i am being pulled. call it what you may.. fate? karma?.. i am being pulled into opening my heart- literally and figuratively.  recently i have started to see how much i judge "It feels good, it feels bad. I am good, I am bad" and that i am not allowing my life to flow in the moment whilst judging away! ahh so, as my first teacher, Ram Dass said. its all perfect as it is (and so am i). 

"When people start to meditate or to work with any kind of spiritual discipline, they often think that somehow they're going to improve, which is a sort of subtle aggression against who they really are. It's a bit like saying, "If I jog, I'll be a much better person." "If I could only get a nicer house, I'd be a better person." If I could meditate and calm down, I'd be a better person."... But lo...ving-kindness-maitri-toward ourselves doesn't mean getting rid of anything. Maitri means tha we can still be crazy after all these years. We can still be angry after all these years. We can still be timid or jealous or full of feelings of unworthiness. The point is not to try to throw ourselves away and become something better. It's about befriending who we are already. The ground of practice is you or me or whoever we are right now, just as we are. That's the ground, that's what we study. That's what we come to know with tremendous curiosity and interest."  Pema Chodron (ROCKSTAR)

 
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” 

And however long that takes—however much time you need to meet me there—I’ll wait.

And when you finally get there, I’ll be there for you with eyes wide open. Even if it’s in the next day, the next week, the next year, the next moment, or the next life. I’ll be there, storms and stars looking right at you.



 
On the surface this may seem to be about gender but i suggest its about feminine energy, which all men and women have in themselves. Feminine energy heals masculine energy. Love, forgiveness, humility can overcome fear, rigidity, war.

If you want to change the world love a man; really love him
Choose the one whose soul calls to yours clearly who sees you; who is brave enough to be afraid
Accept his hand and guide him gently to your hearts blood
Where he can feel your warmth upon him and rest there
And burn his heavy load in your fires
Look into his eyes look deep within and see what lies dormant or awake or shy or expectant there
Look into his eyes and see there his fathers and grandfathers and all the wars and madness their spirits fought in some distant land, some distant time
Look upon their pains and struggles and torments and guilt; without judgment
And let it all go
Feel into his ancestral burden
And know that what he seeks is safe refuge in you
Let him melt in your steady gaze
And know that you need not mirror that rage
Because you have a womb, a sweet, deep gateway to wash and renew old wounds

If you want to change the world love a man, really love him
Sit before him, in the full majesty of your woman in the breath of your vulnerability
In the play of your child innocence in the depths of your death
Flowering invitation, softly yielding, allowing his power as a man
To step forward towards you…and swim in the Earth’s womb, in silent knowing, together
And when he retreats…because he will…flees in fear to his cave…
Gather your grandmothers around you…envelope in their wisdoms
Hear their gentle shusshhhed whispers, 
calm your frightened girls’ heart
Urging you to be still…and wait patiently for his return
Sit and sing by his door, a song of remembrance, 
that he may be soothed, once more

If you want to change the world, love a man, really love him
Do not coax out his little boy
With guiles and wiles and seduction and trickery
Only to lure him…to a web of destruction
To a place of chaos and hatred
More terrible than any war fought by his brothers
This is not feminine this is revenge
This is the poison of the twisted lines
Of the abuse of the ages, the rape of our world
And this gives no power to woman it reduces her as she cuts off his balls
And it kills us all
And whether his mother held him or could not
Show him the true mother now
Hold him and guide him in your grace and your depth
Smoldering in the center of the Earth’s core
Do not punish him for his wounds that you think don’t meet your needs or criteria
Cry for him sweet rivers
Bleed it all back home

If you want to change the world love a man, really love him
Love him enough to be naked and free
Love him enough to open your body and soul to the cycle of birth and of death
And thank him for the opportunity
As you dance together through the raging winds and silent woods
Be brave enough to be fragile and let him drink in the soft, heady petals of your being
Let him know he can hold you stand up and protect you
Fall back into his arms and trust him to catch you
Even if you’ve been dropped a thousand times before
Teach him how to surrender by surrendering yourself
And merge into the sweet nothing, of this worlds’ heart

If you want to change the world, love a man, really love him
Encourage him, feed him, allow him, hear him, hold him, heal him
And you, in turn, will be nourished and supported and protected
By strong arms and clear thoughts and focused arrows
Because he can, if you let him, be all that you dream 

~Anonymous~

 
Blogging may be the newest way for those of us with narcissistic tendencies to feel important and listened to...that is if we have followers. I imagine my mother hearing that i want to write a blog about what i think, see, feel, read and hear saying, "take that energy and go help someone, go serve. You are a privileged woman who can help others, whose voices aren't heard, have a voice". I grew up watching her spend countless hours volunteering- she was a terrific role model. I too am a member of an organization that believes "our primary purpose is to help others" thus I am not a stranger to service. 

So here i am, wanting to serve this crazy media-driven world i live in by asking questions and searching for my truth. Perhaps my journey will help others find their truth too. 

"But wait! Actually… we are all crazy. We can’t help it because we don’t have all the information. We don’t experience even a small portion of all of the levels of existence and meaning of it all, the entire reality of who and what we are, and yet we expect ourselves to make some semblance of sense out of it and work endlessly toward our goals, or inner peace or integration, so subjective and often evanescent. So we make up interpretations to try to fill in the gaps and now and then some Truth comes shining through."  Elisa Novick